Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
Practical, compassionate guidance on how to truly help someone through their grief journey.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
When someone you care about is grieving, it's natural to want to say the right thing. The truth is, there are no magic words that will take away their pain. But there are things you can say that help — and things that unintentionally hurt.
Helpful things to say: 'I'm so sorry for your loss,' 'I'm here for you,' 'I don't know what to say, but I care about you,' 'There's no right way to feel right now,' and 'I'm thinking of you.' Simple, honest expressions of care go a long way.
Things to avoid: 'They're in a better place,' 'Everything happens for a reason,' 'At least they're not suffering anymore,' 'You need to be strong,' 'I know how you feel,' or 'It's time to move on.' While well-intentioned, these phrases can minimise the person's pain or put pressure on them to grieve in a certain way.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be present. Sit with them in silence, let them cry, or just hold their hand. Your presence communicates more than any words ever could.
Practical Help That Makes a Difference
Grieving people often hear 'Let me know if you need anything,' but rarely have the energy to actually ask for help. Instead, offer specific, practical support: 'I'm bringing dinner on Thursday,' 'I'll pick up the kids from school tomorrow,' or 'I've done your food shopping.'
In the early days, help with basic necessities: meals, childcare, household tasks, answering phone calls, and helping with funeral arrangements. These practical tasks can feel insurmountable when someone is in acute grief.
Financial and administrative support can also be invaluable. Offer to help with paperwork, contact organisations, or research legal and financial matters. These tasks are stressful under normal circumstances; during grief, they can be overwhelming.
Remember that practical needs continue long after the funeral. Check in regularly, not just in the first few weeks. The casseroles stop coming long before the grief stops hurting.
Long-Term Support
One of the most important things you can do is show up consistently over time. Grief doesn't end after a few weeks; it ebbs and flows for months and years. The people who continue to check in, mention the deceased's name, and acknowledge the ongoing nature of grief are the ones who make the biggest difference.
Remember significant dates: the anniversary of the death, the deceased's birthday, and holidays. A simple message saying 'I'm thinking of you today' can mean the world to someone who fears their loved one has been forgotten.
Don't be afraid to say the deceased person's name. Many grieving people worry that others have forgotten, and hearing their loved one's name spoken can be deeply comforting. Share memories, tell stories, and acknowledge that this person existed and mattered.
Be prepared for grief to surface unexpectedly, even years later. If your friend suddenly breaks down at a party or becomes withdrawn around a certain time of year, respond with compassion rather than surprise. Grief has no expiry date.
Recognising When They Need Professional Help
While grief is a natural process, there are times when professional support is essential. Be alert to signs that your loved one may need more help than you can provide: prolonged inability to function, persistent expressions of hopelessness, social withdrawal that doesn't improve, or increasing reliance on alcohol or substances.
If you're concerned about suicidal thoughts, take them seriously. Ask directly: 'Are you thinking about hurting yourself?' Asking doesn't plant the idea — it opens the door for honest conversation. If the answer is yes, help them contact a crisis service immediately.
You might gently suggest grief counselling or therapy by normalising it: 'A lot of people find it helpful to talk to someone trained in grief. Would you like me to help you find someone?' Offer to make the appointment, drive them there, or sit in the waiting room.
Finally, look after your own wellbeing. Supporting a grieving person is emotionally demanding. Make sure you have your own support system, set healthy boundaries, and don't neglect your own needs. You can't pour from an empty cup.